This is a special Trail Report written by guest writer* Augustus McCrae, of the “Hat Creek Cattle Company and Livery Emporium” located in Lonesome Dove, Texas.

(* Note: Gus McCrae is a fictional character from Larry McMurtry's Pulitzer Prize winning novel Lonesome Dove. Gus spent his final years in the 1870s riding wild and free in the Wyoming Territory. He was a memorable character and lives on in the imagination of "Mr. Dave". See "A Little Report on a Trail Report".)

Well Howdy.

This is Gus McCrae, of the Hat Creek Cattle Company and Livery Emporium located in Lonesome Dove, Texas. 

Mr. Dave is takin’ a break from the trail durin’ these dry and cold times and has asked me, Gus McCrae, to write a Trail Report about Central California’s “country roads” – even though I ain’t never been to the California territory. Mr. Dave and I do, however, correspond regularly through the Pony Express.

It’s cold in the high country and many of the local cricks are all but dried up. I hear tell that Mr. Dave is keepin’ busy with other activities. These are activities that this old cowboy is not entirely familiar with. One has somethin’ to do with paddlin’ around in the ocean on a slab of wood. Another is slidin’ down a snowy mountainside! It all seems a bit too newfangled if you ask me. The only problem with the second one, is that there ain’t no snow in the Sierra Nevada mountains – all due to a little girl called “La Nina”. I don’t see how a little girl could have anythin’ to do with the weather.

Mr. Dave has also been spending some time in the company of that fancy-talkin’ wanderer, Mr. John Muir – and that’s just fine with me. I like a man that speaks his own mind and follows his own path. Old Mr. Muir passed through Texas not that long ago and found us pioneers none too fussy.

I ain’t never seen the Pacific Ocean, but I’d like to some day. I don’t need to cross it though. Crossin’ the Yellowstone was enough swimmin’ for me.

Another way Mr. Dave passes his time while waiting for the snow to come is explorin’ his local country roads. To hear tell of it, folks in California all live in fancy ranch houses and haciendas where there ain’t no ranches no more! Not only that, newly invented machines fill the air, cover the ground and sail the seas. Even so, the middle part of California is sprinkled with little country roads where a man and his horse can still hear themselves flatulate. These roads are suitable for exploration on foot or horseback. I’ve heard tell that a few of them can even be travelled by “horseless carriage”. Now a carriage without a horse just seems like a foolish idea to me. 

One further option for travelling these country roads is on a new type of self propelled contraption known as a “boneshaker” or “penny farthing”. It might be suitable for children, but the idea of a grown man on one just doesn’t sit well with me and my kin. I’d take a good horse over these contraptions any day.

Much can be seen on these country roads. In order of decreasin’ danger to self and property they are: cougars, rattlesnakes, mosquitoes, ticks, coyotes, deer, fox, skunks, ringtails, tarantulas, California Newts (which is like a slippery lizard what secretes a potent toxin through its skin) and raccoons. There’s still plenty of birds in the sky and some of ‘em are pretty big.

There’s a nice patch of dirt road next to Mr. Dave’s ranch house where he walks Old Honey and her friend the cow dog every mornin’. Some ne’er-do-wells from out of town tried to come in and take over “the canyon” but Sheriff Chet and his posse ran those “Bad Boys of Bolsa” out of town! Yeehaw!

Mr. Dave has taken to haulin’ his covered wagon up the coast and campin’ out – like me and Miss Lorena used to do on that long trail up to The Yellowstone.

There’s a nice back road up the California coast there that goes over the mountains. It’s called Nacimiento Road. Nacimiento means “birth” in Español. It hasn’t been open to horseless carriages since the fires and rains passed. That don’t mean you can’t peddle your boneshaker up it!

There’s another road north of here called “The Old Coast Road” that’s worth investigatin’. It’s how folks traveled The Bug Sur before they put in that fancy bridge.

Many of the country roads in these parts wind their way through farms. But they ain’t real farms as such. What I mean to say is, they don’t grow nothin’ useful, like alfalfa. All they’re growin’ is grapes – grapes as far as the eye can see. An you can’t eat ’em! Oh, they’re plenty sweet, but if you put one in your mouth you’ll discover they are thick skinned and full of seeds. These grapes get juiced and put into vats where they rot for awhile. Then, before you know it, folks is standing around with their fermented grape juice in a fancy glass talkin’ to their glass like it was a beautiful woman. They go on and on about how pretty their juice is and how nice it smells. If in’ you can find yourself a still, don’t expect it to be full of whiskey neither. All they make in these parts is brandy!

Nonetheless, I wouldn’t mind seeing California. I hear you can make a fortune out there, though many folks are givin’ it up for Texas, instead. Go figure!

I heard about an old outlaw named Roy Goode. Old Roy was on the run from his gang who were shootin’ up the town lookin’ for him when all he wanted was to get to Atascadero. He was hoping to join his big brother Jim out west. In a letter from his big brother, Roy hears that it is a special place. Jim writes:

“Dear Roy. I’m asking you to come now to the Atascadero territory in California and live with me and my wife. This place has changed me and I do believe it will change you too.”

It’s a good yarn. They made a moving picture show about it.

Speaking of good yarns, you can always give my trail report a read. It’s called “Lonesome Dove”. The first fifty pages or so is mostly about beans and such. But once you get past that part the tale does begin to excite the reader, I must say.

Mr. Dave has a few good yarns he can recommend as well.

Thanks for indulgin’ this old cowpoke’s ramblings. Me and Mr. Dave do wish all of you the best as winter approaches. May your hearth be warm and your stomach full. May you be surrounded by good friends as well as a generous and faithful lover.

You can expect a collection of daguerreotypes from Mr. Dave’s travels via penny farthing along the country roads of the Central California Coast. He’s thinkin’ it should be a three season photo essay, startin’ right now with the fall. It won’t be all wordy, like this here report. People do say that all ol’ Gus McCrae could ever do was drink whiskey and talk – if’in he could find anyone to listen.   

If any of you would appreciate your own daguerreotype of yours truly, Augustus McCrae, of the Hat Creek Cattle Company and Livery Emporium located in Lonesome Dove, Texas – then simply send a self addressed stamped envelope to my mailbox here at the ranch and I’ll send you one. Hell, I’ll even autograph it!

Here, in no particular order is a partial list of Mr. Dave’s favorite adventure yarns. If you can think of any tales to add to the list, please mention them in the comments section below.

Lonesome Dove, by Larry McMurtry <—– This one here is the best, I reckon.

The Lost City of the Monkey God, by Douglas Preston

Homegoing, by Yaa Gyasi

The Beekeeper of Aleppo, by Christy Lefteri

When the Killing’s Done, by T. C. Boyle

The Overstory, by Richard Powers

To Shake the Sleeping Self, by Jedidiah Jenkins

Epic Hikes of the Word, by Lonely Planet

That Wild Country, by Mark Kenyon

Medallion Status, by John Hodgeman

The Sisters Brothers, by Patrick deWitt

A Wolf Called Romeo, by Nick Jans

Epic Bike Rides of the World, by Lonely Planet

The River of Doubt, by Candice Millard

This Road I Ride, by Julianna Buhring

Barbarian Days, by William Finnegan

Let My People Go Surfing, by Yvon Chouinard

Seabiscuit, by Laura Hillenbrand

Encounters with the Archdruid, by John McPhee

Mornings on Horseback, by John McCullough

Fire on the Mountain, by John Maclean

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, by Robert Pirsig

Desert Solitaire, by Edward Abbey

Angle of Repose, by Wallace Stegner

Sand County Almanac, by Aldo Leopold

Thief of Time, by Tony Hillerman

The Horse Whisperer, by Nicholas Evans

A Walk in the Woods, by Bill Bryson

The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver

Farewell to Manzanar, by Jean Wakatsuki Houston

The Sun Also Rises, by Ernest Hemingway

Cannery Row, by John Steinbeck

Touching the Void, by Joe Simpson

A Wolverine is Eating my Leg, by Tim Cahill

Cold Mountain, by Charles Frazier

Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn

The Killer Angels, by Michael Shaara

The Things They Carried, by Tim Obrien

Life of Pi, Yann Martel

The Deep, by Peter Benchley

The Hobbit, by J.R.R Tolkein

The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, by C.S. Lewis

Into Thin Air, John Krakauer

The Perfect Storm, Sebastian Junger

City of Thieves, by David Benioff

Sick Puppy, by Carl Hiasen

Contact, by Carl Sagan

A River Runs Through It, by Norman Maclean

Lord of the Flies, by William Golding

The Monkey Wrench Gang, by Edward Abbey

Heart of Darkness, by Joseph Conrad

Slaughterhouse Five, by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Catch-22, by Joseph Heller

White Fang, by Jack London

Where the Wild Things Are, by Maurice Sendak

Teacher Man, by Frank McCourt

Treasure Island, by Robert Louis Stevenson

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams

Hearts in Atlantis, by Stephen King

Sphere, by Michael Crichton

The Art of Fielding, by Chad Harbach

Racing in the Rain, by Garth Stein

Island of the Blue Dolphins, by Scott O’Dell

The Call of the Wild, by Jack London

To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee

Into the Wild, by Jon Krakauer

The Road, Cormac McCarthey

1776, by David McCulllough

Pillars of the Earth, by Ken Follett

Never Cry Wolf, by Farley Mowat

Water for Elephants, by Sara Gruen

Dune, by Frank Herbert

The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, by Mark Twain

Paddle to the Amazon, by Don Starkell

Road Fever, by Tim Cahill

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, by Jules Verne

The Martian, by Andy Weir

Stikine, the Story of a Dog, by John Muir

Travels with Charley, by John Steinbeck

Ready Player One, by Ernest Cline

The Shinning, by Stephen King

The Maltese Falcon, by Dashiell Hammett

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

The Big Sleep, by Raymond Chandler

Vacationland, by John Hodgeman

John Muir Trail: The essential guide to hiking America’s most famous trail, by Elizabeth Wenk

A Dog’s Purpose, by W. Bruce Cameron

Shane, by Jack Schaefer

(Originally published on November 27, 2021)